Starting Over.

The worst part about blogging about personal life, is that–if you don’t update quite as frequently–it’ll take forever to catch up. Sooooo. I’m starting a new blog which hopefully I’ll only talk about theories, common knowledge, and a bit less of my personal life.
Towards the end of this blog, the things I wrote about—I felt quite pathetic reading over them. I was just in a lonely slump.
I’m not proud when I get that way. I exposed myself a bit too much. My inner sad ramblings are a bit overwhelming sometimes..
From time to time, I’ll change. I’m still becoming my own woman. I think I’m ready for a more mature form of expression.

If you wish to continue following me.. go here.

www.writefromthesoultoo.wordpress.com

The Last Chase and The End of Reaching for the Moon

I visit some military base in Fort Worth a few weeks ago and for some mysterious reason, everything seemed familiar to me.

I realized that I was there on a school field trip in the past.
And there I was.. standing in the same spot where I had stood 5 years ago.. that same spot in which, I could vaguely see the ghost of the guy I was trying to inconspicuously follow a long time ago.
It was haunting experience.
Just thinking about those memories put me in a daze and sent me staggering.
I couldn’t believe that I could still feel the intensity of my emotions in THAT same spot. And I remembered that girl I used to be. Hellbent on getting the guy that I wanted. And each time I failed–I tried even harder the next time. I started thinking, does that girl still exist inside of me? Had she been sleeping dormant waiting for the perfect moment to remind me?

..Since that moment, I haven’t been the same.

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*****
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IN THE PAST: I’ve always found that the best way to get over a person is falling for someone who’s completely different. It’s a horrible remedy–but it’s something that’s always worked for me.
***

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* * * * *
“My Last and Final Chase.”

PAST:

“There he sat onstage with the spotlight on him,

looking in my direction. Sometimes I wondered if

he could see me. Sometimes I wondered if he

could feel me. When he was up

there, my heart would always race when he’d face

me. I felt weightless. It made me happy to see

him there.. And when he wasn’t, I felt this deep

sadness overwhelm me.

Even when I got a schedule change,

I ran into him EVERYWHERE.

And..maybe I did intentionally go to where

I knew he would be..once… …or twice.

Sometimes if I had a stressful day and I wished he were there,

he’d appear–as if the universe or something told him that

just the sight of him,

would make me happy..

(A year later.)

They won an award. I stayed after to talk to

him–to tell him to get to know me because I was

crushing on him. I got all dressed up..

But I couldn’t find him anywhere.

I was outside enjoying the breeze

I leaned against the pillar thinking of how proud I was of them-

–and especially him.

I was just about to give up searching, but then

I looked up and saw a figure of a guy in a suit

laying down on a bench, all alone, looking up at

the moon in night sky above.. And I could feel

something pulling me in that direction.. I still

wasn’t sure it was him. But I FELT IT.

I was so nervous he’d think I was being a stalker..

so I

stayed in the darkness, all alone, behind a

pillar muttering to myself about how foolish I

was being. I stayed there hovering a while.

It wasn’t until when he got up, that I realized

it WAS him. And I knew I wasted that one moment

–I just let it pass me by.”
*

I blamed myself for ruining my golden opportunity.
But at the same time, I’m really glad I messed up.

*

PRESENT:

Now that I think back..
Honestly, I don’t know what I wanted from him. Like I said, I’ve never let any guy get close to me and I doubt I would’ve changed that time. I think I was truly desperate to have a reason to wake up every morning. Falling in love with the illusion. And it was a sad version of me that I’m not proud of.

* * * * *

I am NOT the same person I once was.
“Now” me is embarrased of “Old” me.
“Now” me is like the bigger sister who picks on “Old” me who didn’t have a backbone to stand up for herself.
“Old” me let people walk all over her and came back for more.
“Now” me will walk away from situation she doesn’t want to be in and stay away.
“Now” me doesn’t believe in love at first sight anymore.
“Now” me is not as gullible.
* * * * *

Sure, a guy would be nice. But… I don’t know.
There’s that.. “But.” And maybe there’ll always be one.

“But, I like my freedom.”

“But, it’s a waste of time right now.”

“But, now that I truly think about it, I really can’t picture myself with anyone..”

Funny thing is, whenever I feel like giving up on the idea of love altogether, my mind plays tricks on me telling me not to.. .. .. As if it makes my life any easier.
My mind is a contradiction.
**

I finally figured out that the reason why I always hold on to the guys I crush on..
It’s because 80% of the time, after they’ve met me, they end up finding that other girl they were meant to be with.
I guess I just hold on loosely until they’re happy with somebody else.

I think subconciously I NEVER expected to be with any of them.
Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to..but..
It’s just something I’ve gotten used to.

If you’re single for so long, you’re bound to get used to it.

I used to think, “Maybe in a city of 2 million people, I’d finally run into my destiny on the street someday and-”
..aw well, who knows? It was just a stupid pipedream anyway.. The odds of that happening are slim, especially since I’m practically a hermit.

I’m tired of chasing after guys when deep down I already know how it’s gonna end.
Staying with them in my thoughts until I find the next one.

I’m tired of being that sad and pathetic lady-in-waiting.

And now that I finally feel awake, I think I’ve stopped reaching for the moon.

If my luck somehow changes, maybe the moon’ll start reaching for me.

What I know, What I’ve done, What I’m doing..

I can’t stand oversensitive guys.
Neither can I stand macho men.

I want to be cuddled, but I have a fear of intimacy.

I’m a hopeless romantic.
But I hate being suffocated (I need my space).

I only want to get married once.
I don’t think divorce is in the cards for me.
“Til death do we part”, I take that real seriously.

I find it romantic when a couple spontaneously takes a trip to Vegas to get married. But I doubt I’d have the courage to go through with it.

Sure, I’ve always wanted a relationship, but I’ve never let any guy get too close to me.
“Once you let them in, they can hurt you.”
Sometimes I’ll overthink everything and push them away so that they can find someone much better than me. They deserve someone much better than me, I figure. I’ll be happy for them no matter what; I’m happy as long as they’re happy–just a little bit lonelier.

*****

The more time I spend alone on “off days”, the more I feel unworthy of someone else’s love.

They’re so much better off on their own, I’m not too much fun right now. My life is stagnant. There is no rising action, there is no climax, there is no falling resolution.. at least not yet. All there is, is the heart that hungers.

*****

I think about how I once became a shadow.
What’s a shadow you ask? Well, it’s a person who basically turns into whom they admire most. They unconsciously convince themselves that they like the same things and have the same beliefs.

It happened a couple of years ago. Most of the time I felt lost and I didn’t know who I was. After I lost contact with that guy, I was myself again.

It happens to the best of us. My friends have gone through the same thing.
It happens when we are young, when we are vunerable, when we are stupid.
Afterwards, it’s like waking up from beer goggles only to realize the guy who you thought was pretty hot and great the night before–is pretty much a vain ugly douchebag.

*****

When I meet guys I find attractive, but don’t know too much about, my mind keeps them in my memory.. and I’ll always long to get to know them better.

I was thinking about some guy I held the elevator door open for. He was carrying about 3-4 full cupholders of frappachinos from Starbucks; I assumed he was probably an intern for the clinic. I was coming out of the elevator with my mom and grandma, and I saw him with this hopeless look on his face.. So I held the door open for him. Naturally he said “thank you” out of politeness.
2 seconds later I realized, “How the heck is he gonna press that button with all that stuff in his hands?”
So I hopped back in quickly and asked what floor and pressed it for him. He said,”You’re a lifesaver.”
I know, he didn’t really mean it, but boy, it sure felt good for someone to tell me that. (A modern day hero ;P)
My mother, grandma, and I realized we were on the wrong floor anyway.
We climbed in with him, the elevator stopped for another person–the guy with the starbucks cupholders almost spilled the drinks, and my mom, grandma, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
Finally we came to our floor. We got off, I turned around and smiled at him before the doors closed.
And after it closed and I heard the elevator going up, I looked back and couldn’t help but wonder… Who was that guy? What does he do in life? Is he kind? Is he cruel? What type of person is he? Could we be compatible or just friends? Am I missing out on a incredible person?

*****
And maybe it’s better that way. Never getting to know someone fully, so in my mind and heart, they’ll always remain perfect in my eyes.

I remember having a crush on a guy who sat across the table from me in art class. I didn’t know too much about him, but I always looked forward to seeing him every day. His name was Ben. This was the first guy who actually listened to me tell my life story and he’d ask questions about it too. I was an innocent then with high spirits and childish enthusiasm. I still remember taking a picture of him–that I still have–while he was reading a note about how much I admired him. He never said anything about it. But we continued on with our day happily. Summer passed. I always waited for his call, yet as much as I stayed by the phone, as much as I made sure my line wasn’t busy, he still didn’t call. I didn’t see him until the next school year. I remember sitting there in class, staring at the roster, hoping I wasn’t gonna sit by anybody annoying. That’s when I saw his name–I heard he moved earlier that day–so I couldn’t believe it, I figured it must be a different guy with the same name. I nervously glaced at the doorway as more and more people walked into class. I finally gave up with content and thought I must be losing my mind. But low and behold, right before the bell, he walked in. I didn’t look his way. I pretended like I didn’t even notice him.

Sometimes we’d bump into eachother while collecting our books at the front of the class. I became shy rather than outgoing, always wondering what he was thinking about me. Eventually I just changed classes due to after school activities. And I never saw him again.

And that’s how I always ruin things. Before I truly get to know a guy personally, I tell him how I feel foolishly and I’m afraid it has never worked. Perhaps I should’ve waited.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have said anything to keep it perfect. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned it at all.

I’m always a victim to the one sided love affair. Or maybe I let my infatuations get out of control. Or maybe that’s why they call them crushes in the first place.

From time to time, I wonder how all the guys I’ve liked in the past ended up. Are they happy? Have they found someone who makes them feel special? … Are they even alive? Will I ever see them again? And if I do, what then? Would I say something stupid or would I just smile and walk away like I do now?

*****

Thoughts during the day:
Why are we all in such a hurry to get married anyway?
It just seems like lately, everyone is in a rush to be a couple, be married, to have children..
Why can’t we just wait?

*****
Sometimes I’m really excited about the future. I think I’d make a really good mother.. Then I remember, I’m still young and it’s foolish of me to think of these things at least before I turn thirty. Besides, I still don’t have a job and that in itself, doesn’t change anything.
*****
I used to think that I wanted someone there through the good and bad times with me, but the truth is, I don’t ever want anybody to see the bad side of me.. It’s not pretty. It’s depressing and sad. I even hate that side of me. I’m not proud of it. Sometimes I read through old diary entries and can’t believe I am
the same person who wrote that. Sometimes I think about throwing those diaries away. Sometimes I hope someone would read it and make unbiased judgements about who I used to be.

We all have different sides to us, or at least I do.
I’ve always wanted a relationship.
We wouldn’t have to share everything about our feelings.. I believe actions speak louder than words..
But why wouldn’t we want to?

I would like to hear from my suitor, but I know I’d get sick of it. Maybe that’s just me.

Maybe, I’m know what I want, but I’m afraid of it at the same time.

Just as I’m afraid of disappointing myself by portraying a weak image.

Just as I’m afraid of moving forward with a vague plan.

ME: “I love rollercoasters, but I’m afraid to wait in line to get on. And the adrenaline rush before getting on, both excites me and scares me away. Most times, I have to be forced to ride.”

Maybe this only makes sense to me.

Maybe what I want isn’t meant to be.

Maybe I should stop looking before I leap.

Maybe all I’m saying is that.. while I think that I am ready for a commitment, at the same time, I’m not.

Maybe right now, I’m not emotionally mature as I want to be before being in a relationship.

Maybe… I need to stop being wishy washy.

Maybe I should stop planning and letting go of the reigns of my life.

Maybe I should try to do things with that old childish enthusiasm that I used to have and things will come my way.

Life happens eventually. You just gotta live.

“Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.”

My Job in Life.. so far.

I pride myself in the type of woman that I am.

Though there may be times when someone will put me down, I know that when the time comes, they’ll come to me when they need help.

Some people refer to it as Karma.
Others refer to it as “God’s got it all taken care of.”

* * *

Sometimes it gets to me. Sometimes I cry.

I hit dark moments when I question my purpose in life.

And when I get out of that funk, I realize that all people need is kindness.

* * *

The other day, I was thinking about how I’ve made friends with people who aren’t exactly likeable.

I told my mother, “Honestly, I’m not one to choose friends. They choose me.”

One friend I’ve made, no one liked her. I even used to make fun of her in junior high. I grew to appreciate how loyal she was to her friends. I recall getting angry at her a lot in highschool. She was in her glory years and I was chokin’ on the dust trails she left behind. She forgot about me. I pitied her and her bad reputation she was making for herself with her new friends. I almost buried the hatchet on our friendship. Then, low and behold, her reputation gave way. Her news friends didn’t respect her. After highschool, I realized all the bad friends she had made–used her. She wronged all her others ones worse than she did me. She had no other friends. And..I could never hate a person forever. I forgave her. And no matter what, we’ll always be there for eachother. She once told me later that out of all her friends in the past, I’m the only one who stuck around.. and she respected me for it.
Now, more than ever, we’re still really great friends and hopefully no jerk will ever come between us again.

Another friend, talked about me behind my back in junior high. Said I interrupted her during her conversations, when clearly, IT WAS DEFINATELY the other way around. I never confronted her about it.
Eventually I realized, she didn’t really have any friends and my group of friends were hers by default. I’ll admit, it was annoying when all she’d talk. After a while, I noticed we both struggled with two things.. Guys and weight issues. Once I figured out what we had in common–we bonded on those two factors.. she’ll still talk to me now when she’s not busy with work..

There was this girl in one of my classes that I simply couldn’t stand to be around. In my arrogance, I called her “The Leech”.. as in, whenever I was near her, she’d suck the life right on out of me. I despised my class with her as a partner. Time went by, I got to know her better. I realized I was being an idiot. This new girl did nothing to provoke me. I wasn’t used to overly nice people. I’ll still hear from her from time to time. She’s such a sweetheart. And I’ve learned not to judge a book by it’s cover. Whenever I talk to her, she’s still real kind to invite me to places.. Someday we’ll get together and do things that—I’ll be proud of doing. She–unknowingly taught me to be nice to others despite differences.

* * *

Kindness. Generousity. It’s a hard job to do.

* * *

“My dollar bill.”

I was walking to turn in an application in the city.

My father taught me that’s it’s the right thing to do–when someone asks for money–those unfortunate—you must help–“It’s the christian thing to do.”

Sometimes I’m annoyed by the homeless when they come up and ask me for change.. I, myself, don’t have a job either and when I do have money, I try to ration it for junk.

This one day.. As I was walking toward my destination, I saw a woman in a mud ridden peacoat asking for something. The person she asked said something and she left looking disenlightened.

I turned in my application and on my journey back home, I was confronted by that same a weak, frail woman with dirty clothes.

She asked me to take her to eat somewhere because she hadn’t eaten in days. I told her I couldn’t (I’m slightly scared of the homeless), but I told her I could give her five dollars. She smiled, and that’s when I noticed the most piercing blue eyes I’ve ever seen.
As I was pulling the 5 dollar bill out of my wallet, I finally looked at her face and noticed the hollowness of her cheeks. I told her, “You know what? I’m having a good day. I don’t have a job either. But.. here you go.” And I handed her my last 20 dollar bill.
She was in shock. She looked at me as if she had won the lottery. She embraced me. I panicked, froze, and patted her on the back. She started tearing up and said, “You’re an angel”.

As we parted our ways, she wobbled away happily, and I was left with an indescribable good feeling.

Sure, some people may say that was stupid of me. Giving to what they can be described as being “bums”.
But I have faith and I hope she spend it on food rather than the cliche of drugs.

That was the nicest thing I’ve ever done of my own free will. My 20 dollar bill would’ve been wasted anyway and I figured she’d spend it on something more valuable than I would.

Some days I still think of her. I had dreams of her.

Days later I realized, how selfish of me–I should’ve just took her out to eat. I needed a friend anyway and not many places/restaurants will let a person like that in for food.

I hope she got what she was asking for.
I hope that day, that meal, was by far the greatest she had ever tasted.

..I can only hope.

* * *

My point is, acts of kindness can go a long way.
Sometimes all people need is a friend or a companion.
Sometimes all people need is a little help.

And maybe I do have a job after all..

A job of helping others less fortunate than me.. so far.

Sharp Blow to the Heart, Mingling, and Setting Sail on Optimism

If only there were a way to have peaceful dreams forever.

I’d never wake up with a bad mood.

Somtimes I wish they made a pill for bad dreams.

I tried to go back to sleep to forget that last dream, but I’m not tired.

And it’s an old memory. One that didn’t really bother me in the past.

But when I woke up, I felt..unwanted. Replaced. Neglected.

It was like a sharp blow to the heart, a hit below the belt..

So I Got up. Tried to take my mind off of it. Watched a few tv shows. Ate some food that I couldn’t really taste.

This bitter emotion. I remember this emotion. It’s been a while since I’ve felt it.
And why now, out of nowhere does my mind bring this up?
It reminded me of..

***

I was in drill formation. It was raining.
I was happy about the rain unlike everyone around me.Then I see a friend of mine wearing the jacket of a guy I was crushing on.I was confused at first. She clearly told me she didn’t like him a few days before.
A few moments later, I saw them smiling at eachother.
Then it hit me.
Jacket, smiling, giggling.
It seemed like that part in the movies when you see two people gazing at eachother from across the room.
And where was I?
Not in the spotlight between the two lovers.
I was left in the dark.

They “were together”.
I felt betrayed.
I felt hurt.
I felt…THAT same way as I felt this morning.

***

I’ve tried to make friends. Not in the most conventional way. But I have tried.

And I find myself, for some reason, afraid to tarnish my clean slate.

Want to know why I don’t want to damage my clean slate?
Because I’m in a low moment right now.
I’ve got nothing to talk about besides tv shows, celebrity gossip, and current events. Most of the time I feel pathetic and hopeless.. I don’t show it, but I feel it silently under the surface until I’m all alone.
I don’t want to damage my slate because a lot of people who “really get to know me” think I’m dependent.. weak. And I’m not, but for some reason people think that.

I had a hard time explaining this to my mom without telling her how miserable I was. Told her I just want a person to go do things with. Told her that’s what Facebook & Myspace were for.. my old friends.
Told her it’s the perfect relationship–I won’t get sick of them and they won’t smother me. (and if you know me, you know, I HATE being smothered–so much that I’ll become really distant and risk damaging the relationship) Told her I like my clean slate and I’d like to keep it that way. But I wouldn’t mind someone my age as a comrade in fun.

Nobody knows me here. I’m that lady without a name in the dark sunglasses walking the streets alone. Solo mission. The lone ranger. Nothing holding me down. Ultimate freedom to roam.

I’VE GOT FRIENDS. I don’t need any more right now.

I want someone to go out with to have a good time..
To forget why we were in a bad mood in the first place..
at least for a little while.

So my mom got me on http://mingle2.com/

Been browzing for an “activity partner”. I mean, it’s free. So WHY NOT look?

Bad thing about it is that sometimes I forget that I’m NOT looking for a boyfriend and I’ll admit, I’ve rejected a few peoples’ offers cause I’m vain.. or.. I don’t trust them by the smallest thing they say. Maybe I’m looking for an activity partner whom I might consider dating. Maybe I don’t know what I’m looking for—typical girl.

Sign on. Who looked at me? EW. delete. delete. Browsing. Don’t want a needy guy. Browsing. Intimate encounter? Yep, all this guy wants is sex. Browsing. This guy probably just wants a VISA. Browsing. Perfect. But I’m not the girl he’s probably looking for. Sends message. Gets nothing back. . Next day. Browsing. Are you seriously looking for a soulmate? I’m your age!! You’re too young to get married!! Browsing. New Mail Message? Open. Reads. You’re twice my age!! Browsing. Browsing. Judging People by whatever they put on their profile. Browsing. I dunno about Atheists. Browsing. What’s with all these Hindus finding me attractive? I’m NOT SUBMISSIVE. okay maybe a little. But he’s not my type. Browsing. Oooh. He suited up. Sends Message. Gets a reply back. Sends another message. Nothing. I probably said something wrong. Whoops. Browzing. Too short. Too short. TOO SHORT. Browzing. New Message. Open. He took a picture of his 6-pack? WHAT? You want a reward for being muscular? That just shows me that you’re the type of guy who’s vain or who’s looking to “get some”. Types. “Sorry I’m not your type.” Send. New Message? Hrm. No picture. Ask for picture. ICK. Seems friendly. Message. Back forth. Back forth. Friendly Banter. You give me your number already? You want someone to talk to you before you go to sleep? T.T that only tells me you want phone sex. No Dice. Delete. BLOCK. Browsing YET again.

My defenses are at an all time high. I never give out my number until I put my complete trust in someone. The only time my walls are down is when I find them attractive and they probably won’t ever consider me.
Silly me, I screw everything up lately.
Always wanting what I can’t have.
Being wishy washy.

Maybe my love life is doomed to fail.. especially since I don’t have my life in order and don’t have a job.
I like responsibilities. Being a slacker isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. A lot of people don’t have jobs because of the economy. I’ve applied to a few places–no takers. Sometimes “family happens” and I don’t apply.
Time goes by fast. Before I knew it, nine months crept up on me.

Mondays are tolerable,
Tuesdays I’m waiting for Wednesday,
Wednesdays I’m watching LOST,
Thursdays are unbearable,
Fridays take forever,
finally when it’s Saturday–no worries–and Sundays always seem shorter.
If it weren’t for weekend car rides with my mom, I’d probably would’ve given up on life about now.

I know it’s gonna get better.
I’m just in a rut that I’m still trying to dig myself out of.
It’s like pulling yourself out of that 6 foot deep grave of solitude.
Some days I wanna give up..like today.

So I write this down.. and hope that someday I can look back at this and laugh.

When I think about it—if I would’ve stayed in my old city, I’d be doing the same thing every day. Routine. Same places, same faces, that’s why I moved. I got sick of it all. I’ve made up my mind, though it would be easier to move back home and I’d be greeted by friendly faces.. Life would be too fair. Everything would come too easily. I would get bored. I moved so I wouldn’t get stuck in that city for the rest of my life and so I wouldn’t be disappointed by friends. I wanted to see more of the world. I wanted to be alone for a little while.. sometimes I forget that.
I never used to understand why some people could be alone all the time.
But I understand now.. maybe that was just a lesson I had to learn. And now I have respect for people who can eat alone at public places.. it takes guts.

I’ve done a lot here. I’m still getting to know my way around. I’m proud of the fact that I can’t get lost.

I accept the fact that things aren’t as great as how I thought they would be.

It’s still the beginning of my new life and I’ve never seen summer in this city before.
I’ve still got my clean slate. I can do whatever I want with it.. become someone different.

I don’t look like the same person I was back home.. I’ve got that mysterious thing down.

And I’m still a bit of an optimist looking towards the future setting sail on dreams of an amazing future.

It’ll get better. I refuse to let myself hate life. Life is for the living. And I’ve still got a lot of livin’ to do.

I’m not falling, I’m delusional. I quit.

It’s complicated to care about a person you don’t even know..
To find out the little things about them..
To think to yourself, “Wow, We have so much in common.”
You build up so much admiration for them that.. when you finally do meet them, you don’t know what to say, how to react, or what to talk about.
You end up acting like an idiot in their presence.

And it’s foolish to admire someone you haven’t really talked to.
It’s like setting yourself up for direct failure.

Admiring a person so much..
Longing to get to know them better..
Assuming they implied something to you every now and then..
Having them in your thoughts constantly everyday..
You find yourself falling for them..

We’ve GOT TO FACE THE FACT that they aren’t thinking of us back..

One day I thought,“If only I could stop setting myself up for rejection..”

SO I’ve decided that I’m going to stop finding out too much about people before I meet them. Cause the more I learn about a person I admire, the more afraid I am to speak with them or even meet them face to face.

I refuse put them on a pedestal that’s easily shakable..

And maybe now I can finally meet and become friends with kind people without rubbing them the wrong way. I now quit finding out too much information for my own good. Because the last thing I want is disappointment and the loss of a prospective friend.

Always Waiting..

There’s some things about me that you wouldn’t understand.
The way I live–the reason why I react.

For a long time now, I’ve grown accustomed to having affection for guys who would never give me the time of day..

I used to hate it. I used to look at couples holding hands thinking,
“Why not me? When will it be my time?”
I found myself getting too wound up in the envy that it nearly ate me away. I became critical of relationships. Whenever some guy I adored found another girl, I’d tell myself.. “they’ll break up–eventually. I know it.” And they did break up. Then he found someone new.. And on and on it went.

I guess I convinced myself that he’d change his mind about me.. it never happened. And isn’t that how it always ends? They don’t change and you never get what you want.

When I think about my unrequited love memories.. I’m thankful.
Why? Because..despite the fact that I was never a “couple” before.. something in me–tells me–maybe, just MAYBE that’ll change someday.

I once had a thing for a guy who was a few years older than me. I was extremely shy then. A closed flower. But he’d break down my defenses and try to take me out of my comfort zone. He wasn’t that attractive to me, but he DID make me laugh.
Now, I only had brief moments with him..but, it’s those moments that got me through the next few years. It gave me a reason to wake up every morning. I figured we’d meet again, I could feel it, I knew we’d meet again someday..
Then I didn’t see him for a year or two. My friends thought I was crazy. Constantly waiting for a guy I barely knew. I felt as if.. there was always someone waiting for me….. I thought it was him.
A few more months passed and I saw him…. . . . .with his pregnant girlfriend.
I was shocked, baffled..angry. I–felt stupid..but I played it off.
When I got home–I tore down everything I had on my walls..crying.
You see, he’d been in my room once and he admired some stuff on my wall.. and it reminded me of him. My walls were bare for a very long while. It looked, like I felt.. . .empty…
To make a long story short, I thought I’d never meet anyone ever again.

But..I did. And this guy I admired so much more. .
I wasn’t physically attracted to him either.. and I saw past that..I loved him..for him. Faults included. And by my melancholy tone, you can probably guess what happened there too.
..Same old story.

Time passed again. I matured more. I gained more wisdom beyond my years.

Now, I don’t mind being single anymore.
In fact, I’m used to it. If some day it changes–why..I don’t know what’ll happen. I’ll probably tragically die from happiness.

I’ve still got my whole life ahead of me. I’m still young.

Even my mom who’s in her 40’s..who’s been through a divorce, got remarried–lost her spouse–has FINALLY found someone again. It’s still too soon to tell, but… I’ve never seen my mother glowing before. I’ve grown so used to her being unhappy all the time–especially since my stepfather’s death and it’s nice to see. It kind of gives me hope that..someday..somewhere..somehow..I’ll meet someone too.

A while back I was having an “emotional crisis” and my friend comforted me ..
My friend jackie said, “The reason why you haven’t found anybody is because God is preparing you for your soulmate..so don’t give up.” ..I’d like to think that’s why I’m still waiting for that special someone.
I mean, I’ve always heard that you find your true love when you’re not even looking. It just comes naturally.
I try to be a little more forthcoming now and it helps..it works much better than not trying at all. At least he knows how I feel..and it’s out there in the open..

I know what I’m looking for in a guy doesn’t have to be perfect. I know that no matter what, I’ll see through his flaws. . And the mere thought of someone being my destiny..I find myself excited–and scared at the same time. And maybe..in due time… after all this waiting..and the rejection I’ll go through.. maybe I won’t be scared anymore.. . . When the time is right, I’ll find the one that was meant for me.

On bad days, sometimes I feel like I’m looking through tunnel vision — always longing to get near the end, closer to the light, feeling like I’m getting nowhere.
But on days like these..
I’m happy waiting with persistant determination, cause I know I’m much closer than I was before. And I’m always waiting — waiting for that call, WAITING for that moment where time stops as we know it..
All I have to do..is keep trying.

“Never give up.”

Stir of my heart, do you still feel pain?..

A lady friend of mine informed me that my OLD crush was in one of her college classes..I thought, “What a small world..” I haven’t thought about that guy in ages.
Not since him and his friends wronged me in the past. I remembered apologizing to a few them..only I never did anything wrong.
I think back..

This guy.. I would’ve done anything for him. I wanted to protect him from other girls breaking his heart, knowing that I’d never be with him–yet always wishing I would. This was the first guy I ever let into my heart.. I shared my life with him and he shared his life with me..I loved him.
And I was always.. “just a friend”..
I remember listening to “Disenchanted Lullaby” (by the Foo Fighters) crying thinking about him as I was lying down next to my stereo.. I remember the intensity of my feelings for him–which I never experienced before.. I was new to it.
He and his friends decided to pull a prank on me.. I was so naive.. and it ended badly. Moreso ending with me thinking I was in a relationship with one of his new friends–when it ended up being a joke I was unaware of.. I didn’t find out it was a prank until later. But I do remember that..anger I felt. I felt…betrayed. I let him in..and he betrayed my trust. I lost myself because of it.. . . I felt lost.. I felt suicidal.. I became a cutter..I failed a grade giving up.. .. spent the rest of my years of highschool making up for my academics that I nearly didn’t graduate..
I can’t remember the last time I talked to that guy and his friends.

That guy used to say we were similar, but I would NEVER EVER betray my friends like that..

I saw him with his girlfriend at Walmart once.. he ignored me. I could feel myself blushing.. And I couldn’t tell if I was hot-boiled angry or.. .. if I still loved him… . .that’s that strangest part.. still loving someone after they hurt you.

It’s been about 3 years from that moment. I may have lost myself, but I also found myself within that despair. All in all, I’m glad it happened. I realized who my true friends really were. I found hope within the books and music that some friends passed on to me. I may have suffered academically as well, it was the hardest struggle to graduate on time than I’ll ever know..

But I truly am glad it happened. I don’t regret it. I have some of the greatest memories from that time..
from.. me first finding his number in the phonebook by chance and making a 3 way call..which I regretted cause my girl friend laughed the whole time on the line..
and.. from me taking the chance and asking him to dance with me to a slow song, finally dancing with the guy I adored under the warm chandelier light.. it was the happiest moment of my life.
and.. from my first paintballing experience.. and feeling like I actually belonged.
Thinking about those good moments humbles me.
Yet, I still do find an aching pain in my heart as I think about the bad memories.
I barely feel resentment towards those guys..

There are pages among pages of that guy and his friends in my old diaries. I put them away for my eyes only. Before I knew it, that longing for him..faded away.

My lady friend informs me that my OLD crush is in one of her college classes.. And I realize… I feel nothing.

My dream to be.. “INTO.. THE WORLD.”

(took me all day to write this)

Is it so wrong that once I get enough money I may want to leave everything behind and..just be free.

Nearly all my elders have never left the states. I don’t want to end up like them.
With their far off gazes of a life that could’ve been..
Their untamed souls institutionalized over time..

I want to see the world.
Experience new horizons.

Watch a sunrise in Tokyo.
See the moon clearly over the desert sky.
Swim in the clear blue sea of Spain.

I’ve long become too comfortable with the places in which I call home.
Scared to venture out. Afraid of the unknown.

I remember the trails my friends and I used to roam behind Universal City park.
Feeling strangely exhilarated as I made my way through the leaning trees, and muddy terrain; finding a small pond..to which was “our little paradise.”

Used to think I was meant to be a city girl. A girl who grew up in the wrong neighborhood..

I realize now that city life is for:
rich people with plenty of cash to throw around..
Doctors..
snobs..
jerks who honk at innocent girls on the sidewalk..
artists who sell their souls..
homeless people asking for change..

It’s a rarity to find kind, unjudgemental, and charitable people..
These are probably the same people who walk on eggshells year after year.

You’d even think you’d find good hearted people in church.. however most times, in my experience, those are the worst type of hypocrites..

I don’t know where I want to live. I’m living in this decent apartment where late at night I hear the neighbors drunk and car alarms blaring through the walls which protect me. Guaranteed it could be worse.

But the more time I spend here alone in this apartment, the more my old memories come back to me.

I moved around a lot as a kid. I was a the nomadic suburb girl. . hah.
I was called Miss Southside for a little while because I had a horrible southern accent then.

When I was a kid, I wanted an adventure. I lived my life through tv shows of endeavers I wish I had participated in. I’d gaze out my window, in a constant daze knowing, that I always wanted more. I felt that someday some guy and I would “leave this place behind” and escape.. Foolish little girl, I was.
I knew I was too sheltered by my parents. When I was a preteen I seeked rebellion. Many a time I remember flicking off my parents behind their backs. I was kind of a pyro too..
Thinking back, I can’t believe that I did all that. I was the worst kind of cruel. I oppressed so much and vented in bizarre ways. Years later my anger died, but that’s a whole other story yet to be told..

I yearn to go further than my parents could ever expect from me.
My mother has a lot more faith in me. She wants me to do whatever makes me happy. She wants me to go out into the world and live the life she never had. She was the oldest of 8 brothers n’ sisters, she HAD TO mature and get a job while she was a teenager.. maybe even younger.. She also married young and followed a different path than her dream..so you can understand why she wants me to have as much fun as I possibly can.
My father doesn’t want me to move from Texas. It was hard enough leaving my home city of San Antonio. I kinda blame his reasoning combined with my ignorance for the decisions I’ve made. He used to nearly suffocate me as I grew up. .It was his mother who prevented him from truly experiencing the world and I feel he’d try to do the same to me. He’s always been quite the adventurer for “outdoorsy stuff”.. but as the older he’s gets, his body’s just given up on him (he’s obese). He’s really a stubborn old man, he is. That’s his problem. But in a inevitable way, I can relate.
It’s the cycle of life to end up like your parents. . a cycle i must break.

I want to send friends and family postcards from all over the world.
There are a number of ways I could do this..

The easiest and most simpliest way would be to join the military.
But that could take years, maybe even a decade to go where I WANT to go.
Few people know I have authority issues, especially when it comes to the service. So the mere thought of this, to me, is desperation. (yeah, I wasn’t such a great ROTC student either. I was known for horseplay.)

My personal favorite is to become a global flight attendant. My only problem is weight issues–in accordance to height. I seriously need to get in shape in order to be one. Only 2 years have I ever been the perfect weight for my height and I didn’t even realize it until later.

Third way is I’d somehow come across a lot of money..
From a job, or from a contest….. … my long awaited BIG BREAK..or.. heck..
I don’t know.

I want to be someone that my younger cousins can still look up to.

But it’s gonna take A LOT OF EFFORT.

I’m gonna travel. Then Years from now, I plan on settling down. God knows with who. .if not, then I hope I’m humbly single with the companionship of my family and friends I grew up with.

And that’s what i feel is worth living for.

The Ideal Woman?? PSH!!

(also written around 2am)

Why do us women subject ourselves to fit into the men’s protrayal of the ideal woman?
(wow.. that sounds kind of feminist, doesn’t it?)

Do you GUYS know how painful it is to stand long periods of time in high-heeled shoes? WE GET BLISTERS AND OUR CALVES THROB!!

It even friggin hurts to pluck our bloody eyebrows!!
We’re not all blessed with the perfect arch!!

It’s only natural for women to have arm hair too!!
Since I was little the boys teased me about my arm hair.. and many a girl I know have been shaving their arms or waxing since middle school!

OH and DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED on waxing our private areas!!
Since when it is okay for women NOT to have any hair “down there“?!
I understand it’d be much easier to clean–but for it.. to be sexy?!!!
COME ON! Smooth as a baby’s? That’s pedophilia! That’s SICK!!

Why can’t society just accept us as we are?

We’re too thin, people call us anorexic.
We’re too big, people call us fat!
We’re in shape, they tell us we look too manly.
We have the slightest bit of flab, they tell us to diet!!

Wash board abs aren’t as easy for a women to get than a man.

I look at pictures of women fit as a fiddle and all I can think about is
the pain they went through in order to achieve and maintain it.

I’ve become slightly humble and humorous when it comes to being obese.
I stuff my face, catch someone staring at me.. I glare at them and say,
“I’m saving up for WINTER!!.. . . AND YES, I’m a friggin bear!!”
I liked what Bernie Mac said on food: “When I go to heaven, I’m going full.”
(i caught that on some episode. haha.)

So let me make a point here..

Society tells us what we do, what we should look like, but society is sick and twisted.
They scout for EVERY INCH OF A FLAW!!

But truly, all that matters in this world is whether we love ourselves first.JUST AS WE ARE.

Dress pretty cause you feel like it, don’t do it for a guy..

Love yourself–for being yourself—that’s the ideal woman.

(sorry guys, when I’m on my period–I think… WAY TOO MUCH. But oddly enough I find clarity.)